Jinxing Flu Spreads Rapidly
A Jinxing man was pronounced dead at the scene today as the Jinxing Flu claims yet one more victim.
The man, 25, had been walking across the street when he was hit by a municipal bus. The bus continued on, despite the man’s screaming while trapped in the wheel well. Eventually the man fell out and, still alive, dragged his body toward the edge of the road. He was then hit by a bicyclist who, in apparent horror seeing the victim's mangled body, jumped back on their bicycle and pedaled away.
Onlookers say that the man than managed to let out a shout, part of his jaw still working properly, before he was slowly run over and pulverized by a street sweeper. Onlookers reported that it was both agonizing and fascinating, as the man was literally spread over the pavement by the rapidly spinning brushes.
When emergency medical professionals arrived on the scene, they reported that the man had died of the Jinxing Flu, a rapidly spreading and invisible disease. The disease has no symptoms beyond the victim dying of something else. They reported that this man had one of the worst cases of the flu they’d seen so far, having died from so many possible other things at once.
The flu has ravaged parts of the city, where just last week a man died of the flu just minutes after climbing to the top of a two hundred foot metal antenna mast, getting struck by lightning, and falling to the ground.
Internationally-respected pandemic disease expert Dr. Fusilli warns us that these two men likely practiced independent thinking, which can cause the disease to advance rapidly. Dr. Fusilli became a national hero after being one of the first doctors to treat Jinxing Flu. “I saw a patient, still denying of the very existence of the flu, die right in front of me, even though I’d had my hands tightly wrapped around his neck for five minutes,” Dr. Fusilli recounted in a recent interview with the Paper. He recommended that everybody stay in their houses and do as little thinking as possible, just to stay safe.